Jeremy Lion

2006-11-13T04:59:00.000-08:00

Hello all. Its been a busy time at the Chocolate Factory, thankyou to everyone who came along and saw us. Hilary has been an excellent assistant, and I think we all agree that his performance as Guy Fawkes would have been very good. I can only apologise for that business with the rabbit. Leslie is recovering from his burns and sends you all a wave from his hospital bed.

2006-10-13T05:18:00.000-07:00

Greetings Lion fans.

There is much news. Firstly, Leslie's accident. I can only stress that it was an ACCIDENT, no matter what he says, and whilst the sight of him in flames was mildly diverting, we must thank the quick-witted theatre manager for putting him out. Leslie and I had a slight altercation in the ambulance over who was going to pay for the curtains, and as such he is taking a sabbatical as my regular pianist. I have therefore engaged the pianical services of a Mr Hilary Cox, who is a very clean man and doesn't keep Terry's Chocolate Oranges all to himself and shares them out, Leslie take note. He has also agreed to wash my jacket, and expects to have some good results in a few weeks time.

Hilary and myself will be performing at the Menier Chocolate Factory until the 11th of November, why not come along!

2006-07-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

Ahoy! Leslie and I are busy packing props for our West End inaugural showcase theatreland performance tonight. I have polished my special shoes, the teddy bears have been groomed, and Leslie has banged the stains out of his performance trousers with a chair leg. All is ready!

2006-06-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

Greetings all!

It is a relief to be back in the UK after our adventures down under. My bag was impounded at Heathrow after sniffer dogs accused it of containing drugs. The smell turned out to be my jacket, which was something of a relief. Leslie disgraced himself on the plane by drinking too much red wine and dribbling over the lady next to him, who was from Nantwich. However, we are returned and looking forward to our West End London Theatreland Summer Season in July. Leslie always like to visit Carnaby Street for some new shoes and I enjoy dining out.

2006-04-30T22:53:00.000-07:00

Good day. Leslie and I are still very much down under. Once again, wires have been crossed and we are performing at 10pm rather than 10am so the audiences are rather free of under-fives. This may explain their bafflement. On a lighter note, Leslie won twenty dollars on a slot machine and I have found a laundry that might be able to get the salt out of my jacket.

2006-04-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

Good morning all. Or perhaps good night if you are in England as I am writing this from Australia. After our sell out UK tour (apart from Cheltenham. And Manchester. And there were plenty of seats going in Norwich as well) Leslie and I have arrived in Melbourne. It was a tense flight as I had some trapped wind and Leslie had a reaction to a prawn sandwich from Heathrow. Apart from that, our first show went very well. Swiss Goose is enjoying the Australian weather and whilst Leslie and I are sharing a flat again, we get separate bedrooms, which is a blessed relief.

2006-03-01T21:42:00.000-08:00

Greetings from Birmingham. What a delightful audience we had last night, apart from one woman who was the worse for wear and mentioned ovulation, which rather lowered the tone. Leslie was recommended a nightclub called Nightingales, but it was not what we expected. I am in quite some need of a laundrette.

2006-02-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

Greetings all! Leslie and I have just returned from day one of our international world tour at the Hen and Chickens pub theatre leisure complex in London. The place was packed out, apart from one row at the back and some other gaps, and it was a delight to perform in despite the problems with the toilet. Tomorrow we go to Birmingham, a place I have only ever been to once before. Leslie says there is an Argos, so he will be able to get that shower curtain he has been going on about since Edinburgh. All looks well with our touring schedule and I was able to spray my jacket with half a can of deodorant, which helps a bit.

2006-01-29T07:00:00.000-08:00

Well hello all. This is the first time I have been able to visit a computer for some time so apologies for the lack of regular updates. I had an enjoyable Christmas with relatively few digestive problems. Leslie and I performed our hit Christmas show in West London's trendy Notting Hill where that film was made and I have been taking a break from performing this month in order to repair props. Mr O'Brien and I are in the middle of creating an exciting new "Spelling Bee", a giant Bee puppet that helps children with spelling and has detachable wooden kidneys, watch this space. But now for the really exciting news of the World Tour! The dates have been finalised and can be found here. Why not come along to every show and bring your friends? If anyone can lay their hands on a red jacket (size XL, perhaps even larger) I would be most grateful as my current one is rotting, despite the febreze.

2005-10-19T06:27:00.000-07:00

Leslie and I travelled to Brighton last week for the festival. I travelled in a van with O'Brien, who was keen to tell me about the Aurora project, in which a plane can fly at four thousand miles an hour or something. I struggled to keep awake. He is on some strong pills after his accident with a wasp's nest last week and they make him talk rubbish. Still, it was very kind of him to drive and I bought him a burger at Pease Pottage service station but he had trouble keeping it down. Leslie caught the train as he had afternoon rehearsals for his new musical production of "Daddy Daycare". The show went very well, no children, but quite a few drunks although I think they had learned a lot by the end. We have a short break now until the WORLD TOUR begins in the New Year, very exciting indeed, watch this space! I took my jacket to the dry cleaners but they refused.

2005-10-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

What a busy time its been. Leslie and I played the Lyric Theatre in London's glittering West End on Sunday, which was a delight although I got locked in the toilet for a while. Very antiquated these theatre toilets. We are off to Brighton to perform at the festival there this Friday and are in the middle of finalising dates for our extensive world tour next year. I have made it quite clear to Leslie that he will have to learn his words if we are to impress the provincial audiences. I pointed out that I had never seen his hero Geoffrey Palmer forget his lines. Oh no. And I must wash my shirt. It has become almost like aluminium foil, although with a more distinctive smell.

2005-09-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

Jeremy Lion

2005-09-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well gracious me. Apologies for my lack of updates but an awful lot has happened in recent weeks. Leslie and I were nominated for an award in Edinburgh which is all well and good but it won't cut much mustard with the local education authorities. I desperately need my tour of primary schools to recoup some of the Edinburgh costs. As ever, it was an expensive month. It looks like we may lose our deposit on the flat after Mr Runcorn ate a whole Terry's chocolate orange I had bought as a gift for our technician and made a succession of very potent mucks all over the bedroom. Leslie very graciously took him away to the dogs home in Leith and says that he has found a new family to live with where "he will be no bother". Many thanks Leslie. The journey back was quite lengthy as Pat had to come and collect us once again and she has had another eczema attack, and so has to wear driving gloves. These prevent her signalling. I shall try and "fill you all in" (youthspeak) when I have time but I promised I would visit O'Brien and help him with his shower curtain. It is a shame Mr Runcorn is not still with us. O'Brien would like him.

2005-08-20T02:35:00.000-07:00

My review of the Monkey Butlers has appeared in the Guardian. What an honour to see my name in print! I bought five copies. One each for Leslie and myself, one for Pat, one for O'Brien and one to put in the shop window when I get back home. Mr Runcorn did a very acrid muck over the whole pile. He will have to go.
I spoke to O'Brien who seems to be recovering well, although he broke his little finger on a loo chain when he fell off the toilet through pins and needles.

2005-08-18T01:14:00.000-07:00

Mr Runcorn must have laid a muck on the floor somewhere and the stench inside is terrible. I cannot open the windows as it is raining and I would not wish to dampen my costumes. My trademark red jacket is pure Irish Linen, and the tie is silk, so they are virtually irreplaceable. Until I can find Mr Runcorn's offering I shall have to tolerate the smell. Leslie is out buying mouthwash, he may make a better searcher than me as I suspect the muck is under his bed and I can't bend that low, what with my back and these trousers.

2005-08-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

A day off today so I have been able to rinse the costumes. I have had to smack the stains out of my jacket with a chair leg. My, that venue is hot. So far I have used three bottles of febreze.

2005-08-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

Last night I was interviewed for a live radio show. Once again I had terrible trapped wind due to matchmakers. When will this curse leave me? On a lighter note, I have taught Mr Runcorn to shake paws. Leslie was convinced that Mr Runcorn had "done a muck" on his bed but I was able to prove that it was just a melted fuse bar that Leslie had falleen asleep on.

2005-08-13T06:31:00.000-07:00

A small dog wondered into our flat last night. I have decided to adopt him and have named him "Mr Runcorn". Leslie CLAIMS he is allergic and is in a sulk with a running nose. He has still not apologised to me for using a kiwi fruit instead of an apple in our opening song. Moments like that can ruin a show.

2005-08-11T03:34:00.000-07:00

Gracious what a busy week its week. Had a day off yesterday and tried to see Leslie's glam rock production of "A Streetcar Named Desire". Sadly I slid in some sort of pizza toppping that was on the pavement outside the flat and had rather a fall. Consequently I stayed in with few restorative brandies. Leslie must have been rather annoyed because the room was in a terrible state when I woke up. Broken glases, a smashed chair, and the word "shed" scrawled over and over again on the walls in his stage make up.

2005-08-10T06:37:00.000-07:00

Lion, please can you show me how to get my hotmail again. Leslie. Thanks.

2005-08-10T06:35:00.000-07:00

www.hotmail.com

2005-08-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hello all. Whilst Leslie sits at home moaning about toilet roll I have been busy promoting the show. I was honoured to be asked as a guest on Festival FM. I had some Grand Marnier and cod for breakfast and I had terrible wind throughout the interview but I imagined they could edit that out. I then discovered the show was live. I'm sure no one will notice. I offered to clean the microphone as I left but they said there was no problem as they will get a new one.

2005-08-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

Lion, please can you use the roll that we bought comunally that is in the bathroom and not take the one from my side of the room as that was purchased with my own funds. Many thanks, Leslie.

2005-08-05T04:05:00.000-07:00

Well. Two shows down. The first was problematic. I don't wish to point the finger but Leslie will have to buck his ideas up if he wants to cut it in the acting world. Firstly he forgot the apple for the opening song, and then I could have sworn he was drunk at the end of the show. He seemed to weave and shudder before my eyes. Other than that all is well. Yesterday I ate nothing but Lorne sausage in an attempt to re-train my stomach for the rigours of Edinburgh. The results have been surprising. We are using kitchen roll instead of toilet paper as sheet for sheet it is half the price and considerably more absorbent.

2005-08-02T09:15:00.000-07:00

We have arrived safely in Edinburgh. Pat drove us up, rather a long journey as I get car sick if I face forward. We were hoping to get a lift from O'Brien but last week he slipped on some dung whilst fitting a shower curtain and broke his arm in three places. Hopefully he will able to drive us back as Pat's car is rather small for me and we had to have the windows down all the while to get the smell out. I have high hopes for the show this year. Leslie has nearly learnt his lines and we have a delightful venue. If we can get it right this year then that promised tour of primary schools could well be a reality. Same flat as last year, which is rather a shame as Leslie and I have to share a room again. Not the bed thank heavens. 2003 was especially difficult in that respect as Leslie has a tendency to thrash around whilst asleep, like dog in a bath. I barely slept for the whole month.